Mind and Matter

Mental Health Corner

Managing Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is natural and inevitable in relationships. How couples manage their differences and communicate with one another can determine whether their relationship will endure or is headed for trouble. According to the Gottman Method, based on 30 years of observation and research with couples by world-renowned psychologists John and Julie Gottman, couples must avoid The Four Horsemen of Communication styles. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Utilizing the metaphor of the Four Horsemen of Armageddon which signified the end of times in the Old Testament and applied it to relationships as repeated use of these negative communication styles can be detrimental to a relationship and can predict divorce or the dissolution of a relationship. Fortunately, there are antidotes you may use to avoid falling into these negative patterns of communicating with your partner.

1. Criticism- Avoid verbally attacking your partner’s character with reproach, blame or denigrating remarks. Instead of beginning your sentence with “You” use the gentle start-up method “I…” which focuses on your feelings by using “I” statements to communicate what you need in a positive way. You may also start with “I feel…” which may lead into “I need…”  
2. Contempt- The use of contempt in relationships is the greatest predictor of divorce according to Gottman’s research. It must be avoided at all costs. Contempt stems from long-held negative beliefs regarding your partner and it is exhibited in statements and remarks made from a place of moral superiority. Examples of contempt are sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt goes further than criticism in that this communication style is destructive to the relationship. The antidote to this is to build a culture of appreciation, respect, affection and understanding for your partner. The Gottman Institute uses their discovery of the 5 to 1 “Magic Ratio” of positive to negative interactions that relationships must have to be successful. The focus is on showing affection, appreciation, and respect to avoid falling into contempt. 
3. Defensiveness- This is often in response to criticism. Avoid making excuses or reverse blame your partner, this happens when one partner attempts to turn things around and blames the other partner. The best way to circumvent this style of communication is to accept responsibility for one’s actions, admit fault, and attempt to understand your partner’s perspective. An example of this may be, “Oops I forgot to stop by the store to get your cold medicine. I guess I wasn’t thinking. I’ll go now.” Rather than, “It’s your fault. You should’ve reminded me that I needed to stop by the store on my way home!” 
4. Stonewalling- Tuning out, acting busy, or engaging in distracting behaviors are all evasive maneuvers to avoid confronting the situation at hand with your partner. Stonewalling is usually done in response to contempt. The antidote to this is to take a 20-minute break from the discussion and utilize self-soothing techniques, such as listening to music, exercising, or reading, to physically calm down. It is imperative that during this break individuals avoid engaging in righteous indignation or innocent victimhood which only serve to stoke the fire. Once the break is over, individuals can re-engage and approach the situation from a more neutral perspective. 

A happy and healthy relationship is a work in progress in which both partners share equal responsibility in maintaining. Take time to check-in with one another periodically to stay on track and strengthen your bond and connection. 

Source: The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes

Click here to read the full Mind & Matter Spring Edition.