MIND AND MATTER

Activity

36 Questions to Increase Closeness

Explore this activity made to increase connection with others. It consists of “reciprocal self-disclosure” which involves sharing increasingly personal information with your partner, as they do the same with you. The best way to approach this 45-minute practice is to take turns so that each one of you will have the opportunity to answer a question. It also allows time for your partner to respond from a place of understanding and acceptance. This exercise has been proven to enhance closeness with an existing relationship whether it is with a friend, family member, or a romantic partner. This activity is an accelerated way to share your beliefs, thoughts, and feelings reciprocally with the other person. This can generate closeness which may lead to building a lasting relationship that may improve overall happiness and well-being.  

Preparation: 

1. You will need to identify someone you are interested in becoming closer with. This could be a family member, friend, acquaintance, or romantic partner. Both of you need to be comfortable in sharing personal information as well as thoughts and feelings with one another. 
2. You will need at least 45 minutes of free and uninterrupted time to complete this activity in person. 
3. Take turns answering the questions in each set. There are three sets of questions. Each set should take the two of you 15 minutes, Alternate the order of questions between the two of you so that a different person goes first each time. 
4. Once the 15 minutes are up, go on to the next set of questions even if you have not finished answering all the questions. Follow the same system for the next set of questions. You will notice that each set of questions becomes more probing than the one before. The 15-minute periods allow you to spend a similar amount of time with each level of self-disclosure. 

Set I

Minutes: 0-15

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of ninety and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II 

Minutes: 15-30

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love, and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III 

Minutes: 30-45

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…” 
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become close friends with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you have just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might manage it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

As mentioned previously, you may try this practice with different people with whom you want to become closer. Feel free to make your own list of questions if the ones offered become routine. This activity has been found to increase closeness in pairs of people whether they shared core beliefs and attitudes or not.  

Source: Greater Good in Action

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